Backwards in time
As a child, I was diagnosed with hyperactivity and a learning disability so severe my parents thought I might never be able to live on my own. I grew up being called, and thinking that I was, a “moron.” Luckily, through concentrated effort and support, I finally learned to read and retain academic material, but the horrible “moron” label stuck to my very core.
During adolescence, my self-esteem was further compromised when I realized I was gay. I became terrified of this innate, undeniable part of myself and what it might mean to my family, friends, and schoolmates. What did I do? I hid my sexuality and sublimated my true self through college – graduating with honors from the University of Albany. Then I got busy, turning my attention to how other people made sense of the world, how they made themselves happy – probably because I wasn’t.
On my way
I earned a Master’s degree at NYU and started running award-winning art-in-education programs proven to change the behavior of at-risk youth, and was even featured in a PBS documentary on leadership. I trained people to recognize their feelings, discharge hard emotions, and communicate more effectively. Even though I was a success in the outside world, inside I was still miserable and thought of myself as a “moron.”
Believing that the answer to my unhappiness was more achievement, I reshaped every aspect of my life in pursuit of the man I thought I wanted to be. I studied harder and became a life coach, receiving training from Landmark Education and various leadership development and human potential programs. I learned to help people figure out what they truly wanted, recognize their excuses, and build strategies to attain their dreams.
Off and running, this combination of coaching and counseling seemed unstoppable. My clients were doing better and felt more empowered. Their lives improved – money, houses, and sportier lifestyles. My ambition and confidence increased in tandem. I bought my first home and earned a comfortable income. Not so fast. Real satisfaction continued to elude me. So I turned to gurus, shamans, and other charismatic teachers for answers, reading countless self-help books.
What is it gonna take?
I found my way to Theta Healing, an intuitive modality that helps change limiting beliefs. And something shifted fundamentally within me; I was no longer a “moron.” The core of who I was changed. I no longer saw myself as dumb, or stupid, or less capable.
I have been empathic for as long as I can remember, but now I seem to be able to see, to sense what was hidden. I was able to sense what was deep below the surface causing people to suffer. I helped them to acknowledge that which was long forgotten so they could finally release it. Clients came; lots of clients. They had physical and emotional challenges. I put my attention on them and there would be a healing. My gifts opened. It was amazing, but in the long term, not gratifying.
I could help to alleviate suffering, but my clients were still the same people. One thing would heal and next week there would be something else to heal. It seemed endless. My clients still had the same relationship with themselves, others, and life. I was using my intuitive gift to help clients shape and reshape their lives, but not really change the core of who they were. I was not helping them to learn to go beyond circumstances. I was only helping to relieve the symptoms of their circumstances, but I wanted to do more.
I wanted to help others meet and live in the truth of their essence. I wanted to help others discover the sacredness of life. I wanted to help others to stop looking outside of themselves and perceive what I perceived… that the Divine is in and around us at all times. I had an amazing connection to higher energies, but lacked an abiding peace within myself.
I was frustrated and in many ways angry. People were coming for me to fix them and the pressure was overwhelming. I was using my gift to heal others, not to help open their awareness to how they kept themselves stuck. I owned a home and a car, and I had a thriving practice as a spiritual healer, but I didn’t really want to be here on Earth, in this body. The real adventure seemed to be outside of me. I prayed for purpose and meaning. I prayed, to be deployed, to do what I came to do on Earth or to go home.
Life has a way of giving you what you want, and sometimes radically.
At first I did not know what was happening. I stopped sleeping and started shaking uncontrollably. Then I knew what it was. I had been through four other Kundalini rises in my life. Kundalini is awakening energy that rests at the base of the spine. When activated, it moves its way up the spine through the main channels and energy centers, clearing and dislodging psychical and emotional blocks. This clearing makes room for illumination or, at best full awakening.
In a greedy, egoic attempt to reach enlightenment, I employed other spiritual practices in an attempt to maximize the Kundalini Awakening. The resulting energy burst, running chaotically through my system, released lifetimes of karma and unfelt emotions. It felt like the bottom dropped out. My system collapsed. I looked like I was dying and thought I might go insane. I lost 40 pounds in 2 months. I had such incredible insomnia that I thought I would go insane.
My connection to the Earth, to being in the moment, became my priority, and my means of access was my body. I used my awareness to guide me back into my body. I felt and released what previously had been too scary to feel, and my intuitive gifts grew. My ground returned and my life force became unblocked. I now realized my body was my doorway to awakening. Finally, my sleep and weight returned and my nervous system calmed. I have been forever changed by this upgrade and what I learned in regaining my body.
By embracing embodiment I accepted my humanity. By recognizing that the divine is me, I stopped reaching out beyond myself and found joy, real joy!
Life can be really good. Really it can.